Again and again…

The fourth disclosure came very close to one year after the last time HB had admitted to viewing pornography. That time I did not find out for months and as usual it came about because of my own prying questions. This time was the first time HB ever voluntarily disclosed to me. I was away from home and woke up on a Friday morning to his heartbreaking text.

Again.

Again and again I have been here.

Was it better because he disclosed it on his own? Yes. The depths of broken trust by him constantly hiding things from me cannot be explained.

But it is still so painful.

And this time it meant a big change in plans for things that were coming up in our life. Things I greatly looked forward to. But now was not able to do because of my husband’s sin. Because his healing and the healing of our marriage had to be paramount. Did I have peace about this change in plans? I did. But it was peace with great pain.

This time I could see that HB was in a different head space. For the first time it felt like he was actually willing to face this Ugly Thing head on. Not bury his head in the sand, forgetting it happened and just walking on. And that gave me hope. It was the best door of hope we had yet faced. It really felt that finally we could walk through this together. Finally God could work and begin to lead us toward the “wealthy place” He has for us. (Psalm 66:12)