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The day the world caved in
I cannot remember what led me to ask the question. It was not a question I normally would ask. But my husband’s affirmative answer to the question, “Have you been looking at pornography?” made it feel as though the bottom had dropped out of my heart. I did not know what to do. I did
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He shall carry them in His arms
He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. – Isaiah 40:11 The night of my husband’s disclosure, he confided in two close friends. They prayed together and my husband (I will also
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The second time was so much worse
It seemed fairly easy to move on after my husband and I talked out the reality of his betrayal. It still amazes me to look back at how God turned me in a 180 in just a few short hours after HB’s first disclosure. Of course there were moments of struggle and fear that it
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God with us
Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us. – Matthew 1:23 The title Immanuel is probably my favorite of all the names given to Jesus. The thought of God coming down to be with us is
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I didn’t sign up for this
That thought kept rolling through my head. This is not what I expected for my marriage. This is not fair. But finally one of the times that phrase came into my mind, God softly said, “Actually, you did.” Ouch. The vows I took included this. Yes, even this. One friend told HB, “You didn’t break
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Not enough
You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you. – St. Augustine When I first found out HB had viewed pornography I felt it meant I was not enough. How could I be, if he felt the need to reach out somewhere else for sexual gratification?
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The comparison game
I have already mentioned that until I found out HB had been viewing porn, I had felt that I was enough for him. I had been secure in his attraction to me – in feeling like he was able to easily resist looking at other women or being severely tempted by them. Even though I
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He was betrayed too
I remember this thought coming to me and feeling like it was one I could never share with anyone. Who was I to compare what I was going through to the betrayal Jesus experienced? And yet the thought that I had even a tiny taste of His betrayal also gave me comfort. Did not Paul
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Riding the roller coaster
One bold message in the Book of Job is that you can say anything to God. Throw at him your grief, your anger, your doubt, your bitterness, your betrayal, your disappointment – he can absorb them all… – Philip Yancey My poor husband. Yes, he had betrayed my trust and broken my heart. But the
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The will of God
In my mind there are two ways to look at the will of God and marriage. Either you prayed through before getting married, and you knew this person was God’s choice for you; or you didn’t – but now that you are married this IS God’s will for you. I believe it is your part