The God who sees

And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me…. – Gen. 16:13

Something I did not expect from dealing with overcoming HB’s porn disclosure was how it would affect other relationships – not just my marriage.

This is obviously a circumstance that one does not go around divulging to all your friends and family! This itself bred a sense of isolation as HB and I worked to put our pieces back together. But also difficult for me was the aspect of having some people know about our circumstances and still feeling totally unseen. I do want to say that I did get help from the few friends who knew what had happened. I am so grateful for every ounce of love they showed us. But as the days went on and I continued to just slog through emotions that I couldn’t even figure out, I longed for someone just to check in on me and let me know I was seen.

It was the most alone I have ever felt in my life. Yes, I could count on prayer or encouragement if I were to reach out for it. But I felt so vulnerable, and just so raw – some days I felt unable to ask for the help that I seemed to need. And I also felt like never before that no one really could understand me in this. I know of no one else in the Holiness world who has faced this exact thing and come through it. That doesn’t mean I don’t actually know someone who has – but it is certainly not something we go around asking our friends!

In the midst of my deep sense of aloneness, God spoke to me through this verse many times…”Thou God seest me.” Not only does God see everything. He sees ME. When no one else does. When my friends do not see me, God does. When my family does not see me, God does. When my husband does not see me… God does.

The God Who Sees Me is translated as El Roi in Hebrew. El Roi is the God who numbers the hairs on our heads and counts our every tear. He knows every detail of our circumstances. – James Merritt