Healing

Healing. A word that carries the idea of being in a state of continuous and progressive action. Not a past tense or present tense or future tense verb. Healing is the state I am in – continuous and progressive.

I have found this journey to be arrested many times along the way. Sometimes it has been HB’s fault. Sometimes it has been my fault. More often than not it is our enemy’s fault mixed in with our own humanity and our failures to respond or communicate correctly.

One thing that has been a hindrance to healing in our family is video games. Video games might be a controversial topic. But for me, since I was a teen watching my brother completely addicted to computer games, I have hated video games. I never wanted them to be a part of my life. They were not a part of HB’s life when we got married, though they had been in the past. However, they crept back in after we had been married a few years. And it has been a back and forth, up and down struggle and tug of war. When the porn use was disclosed we realized that slipping into video games had sometimes been the catalyst Satan had used to get HB in a place of weakness. This to me made it very clear that video games should be totally and forever off limits in our marriage. I have felt since then a distinct “mama bear” inside of me that seeks to stand in the gap for my family in this area. But it has been a battle.

HB sometimes seems to agree with me, and sometimes seems not to. What is hardest for me is when he slips back into video games or other behaviors that hurt me and instead of coming clean waits for me to find out myself. This has been the pattern over and over again and breaks my heart and trust every time. Right now we are in a good place. Right now he tells me when he is tempted and I try to help him stand strong. But I am learning some things.

My main job as a wife who desires to stand in the gap is to pray. I have wasted much breath in my marriage being a nag. Yes, I feel strongly that I am to stand firm for some things. But I have seen time and again the miracles that are worked by my praying for and about things. And so I pray. I pray, knowing HB may fail again. I pray, realizing that right now my trust is building back up. I pray, knowing that my trust is still precarious and could easily be dashed again. I pray, knowing HB is human, faulty and capable of failing me. I pray, knowing God has given me promises that have yet to be fulfilled. I pray.

And when I pray, healing has a chance to come in.

“…we went through fire and through water, but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.”

Psalm 66:12