Not enough

You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you. – St. Augustine

When I first found out HB had viewed pornography I felt it meant I was not enough. How could I be, if he felt the need to reach out somewhere else for sexual gratification? I have since grown to understand the reality of the addictive power of porn and how it can grab a man even if he has a good sex life.

But an even more invasive feeling in the early days of recovery was that HB was not enough for me. And I realized that was true – no man can ever be enough. God made us to need each other, but we can never find our true fulfillment outside of God Himself.

I wanted HB to win back my trust. I wanted him to “date” me, to make me feel extra special. He wanted to just move on without thinking about what had happened – I’m sure that was due in part to the shame but also was just a personality difference. My analytical brain wanted to hash everything out and figure out each emotion I was feeling and why. These differences caused a lot of conflict. I felt I needed something new to help me move on. But that something new did not come. I longed for HB to “make it up to me.” But that was something he could never do. And I had to learn that I need Jesus more than anything else, and He knows best how to heal me – if HB could walk out faithfulness and integrity, I could trust Jesus to be enough for all the rest.

I cast all of my cares upon You

I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet

And any time I don’t know what to do

I cast all of my cares upon You