The day the world caved in

I cannot remember what led me to ask the question. It was not a question I normally would ask. But my husband’s affirmative answer to the question, “Have you been looking at pornography?” made it feel as though the bottom had dropped out of my heart.

I did not know what to do. I did not know how to feel. As reality settled in, what I began to feel most was the sense of being betrayed. Which led me to feeling angry. I did not want my husband to touch me or be near me. We were due to go to a special church service that night but he went without me. When he came home we did not speak and he slept in the spare room. I did not know how we were to move on from this point.

My husband had been a strong Christian. We were in the ministry. He had always made me feel like I was enough; I never had thought this kind of betrayal was something I would have to worry about. And here I was, facing a nightmare I had not even known to fear.

Why had I not been enough for him? What had I done to deserve this?

I felt like the immediate past was all a lie. That anything he’d done right during the time this was a struggle was not real. How could I look at photos from this time frame? How could I ever listen to another love song?

The words I find in my journal from this day are much stronger and uglier than the ones I write here. I felt totally broken.